The Ins and Outs of Social Work in Appalachia…And the real answer to my least favorite question.

So a lot of you who know me well know what my face looks like when you ask me this question:

How was work today?

It seems like it should be simple answer, right? You either have a good day, or you have a bad day. Right?

Wrong. I know I’m not the only one who has a job like this, but I know that I definitely have a job that is one of a kind. What are some words I want to say when I answer this question?

Exhausted. If it’s a good day, I’m exhausted. It probably means that one of my “toughest” kids let me pick his brain a little bit more than usual, or one of my girls opened up and let me hear one of the secrets she thought I didn’t know for weeks. A good day means I worked my butt off, really engaging with kids and loving them with everything I have. A good day means I’ve had lots of good interactions with parents, made lots of phone calls, and still had time to chat with coworkers about ongoing cases, or (if I’m really lucky) got a little snippet about their personal life. Good days are great. But I’m still mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted.

If it’s a bad day, I’m also exhausted. A bad day usually means one of my foster kids went to live with her piece of $*&t mother again, even though we all know her mom hits her when she’s drunk. A bad day means I’ve called 12 parents, 10 of which who didn’t answer, two of which yelled at me and asked me why I haven’t fixed their kids yet. A bad day means that one of my kids told me they don’t want to be on the earth again, and I have to go to the hospital with them and sit there for hours, hoping that I can say something that makes them know how valuable they are. If it’s a bad day, when I’m at the office my door is closed (and sometimes locked). My interactions with my coworkers are short and usually pained.

When you ask me this question, that so many of you ask, I know you care. I know that some of you actually do. But I also know that some of you look at me hoping I won’t say any of this that’s written in this blog. You’re happy I’m doing my job cause then you know it’s being taken care of, and you don’t have to do it.

For those of you who care:

How do I even begin to verbalize the moments that I have with my kids that make me feel so much more connected to the human race, and to Jesus Himself? How do I even begin to tell you how closely I feel God when I am speaking truth into a kids’ life when they see no worth in it. Not in any teaching, or church service, or worship night, have I ever felt the Holy Spirit more clearly than when I’m with a kid telling them how truly valuable they are. How do I speak about the moments after these moments when I know I have to send them home to their same crappy home environment, when all I want to do is take them home with me to Athens?

How do I talk about the days when I want to throw parents out of my office because of the incredibly detrimental thing they just said to their child? Or discuss the weight that I carry as I walk to my car to drive home when I remember my kids’ words in the last session of the day: “you’re the only one who knows this about me”.

I’m just going to be incredibly honest and say that on MOST days, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. It is an internal battle that I fight every day when I get up in the morning to go to work. Why is my job so demanding of everything I have? Why don’t I just work at donkey? Or target? That wouldn’t take up so much of my emotional capacity.

The other day I was reading Matthew, and I came across the section about the narrow gate. “You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and the gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it.” (Matt 7:13-14).

So I’m praying and I’m like “Jesus, am I doing my life totally wrong? Do you want me and Jayk to live on a commune like in Irresistible Revoution? Do you want me to quit my job (fingers crossed) and become a missionary somewhere?”

And to be honest, when I sit down with Jesus and really think about it, I really think that my “narrow gate”  at least in this season, IS the work I do with kids. Jesus is speaking in this passage and he says the gateway to LIFE is very narrow and the road is difficult. What is life? I think life is to know God and be found in Him. And my job helps me do this better. In the midst of my craziest days, I feel like I know more about God, and feel more deeply connected to him at the end of the day.

So there you go, the real answer to the question I never really answer. It is more beautiful than I could ever explain, but also more dark and twisted than I ever want to verbalize.  But Jesus is so so good. And one thing I know for certain is that he loves the heck outta those kids. And he loves me a lot too for letting me be apart of them learning to love themselves.