An open letter to all the kiddos I left behind

For the past two years of my life, I was a social worker. For the past year until this past April, I worked with children. It was super hard, and super rewarding. Here is a letter that I wrote to all my kids just before my last day of work. It gives me confirmation that I will in fact return to the field one day :)

An open letter to all the kids I’m leaving behind--

You know that it tore me apart to tell you, but our time together has come to an end. It’s not that I don’t like working with you. Let me explain a little bit-

I will miss almost everything about you. I love our deep chats. The times that you tell me things you never thought you could verbalize to another human. I love the way your face changes when I tell you that the thoughts you are having are normal, and that you’re not alone. I love that you let me be that person in your life, the person you confide so many secrets to. I love hearing about how your brain works, and I love trying to help it work better and “not eat you” as I like to tell you, on the days your depression is really bothering you.

I love the times when we don’t talk about serious things too. Like your wrestling tournament last weekend, nail polish we both coincidently bought yesterday, or your favorite flavor of ice cream. I love when you randomly break out into song during one of our sessions (which happens SO much more often than I would have ever thought). I love hearing about your class schedule, the way your passions and dreams start to come alive in front of us.

I love the times when just sit in silence together. When that conversation bomb gets dropped, and neither one of us really has anything to say. But in that time it is communicated that I care. I just sit with you, and in those moments, I realize that I never knew that silence could be so powerful but yet so still.

I love watching you grow up right in front of my eyes. The times that I sit back and realize how much progress you really have made. You can color inside the lines now, and hold your fork the right way. You passed “rockin math”, and are getting all green days at school. You seem taller than you did last week. 

I will miss the times we bucked the traditional office setting because it doesn’t have windows anyway, and it felt too stuffy. I love when we went to the park or the lake and looked at nature and talked about life. I loved that one time when we rented the boat and then we almost crashed it… but quite honestly that is one of my favorite memories with you.

The truth is, this job has its limits. I love being your social worker, but the one thing that made me sure I had to leave is because I can’t tell you about my one true love. The reason I do this, the reason I am even able to love you at all, is because of Jesus. Jesus saved me from myself, and I believe he can save you too. He can break through any barriers, including the most difficult mental health situations. Without Him, I have no hope at all. For life, for even my next breath. How could I continue to work with you after feeling so limited? Like I have the cure for your depression, your anxiety, your fear of your step-dad, but I don’t share it with you? It feels like a betrayal.

The real truth is, I have shared everything I know with you. I have poured my time, energy and heart into working with you. But if I can’t share Jesus with you, I can’t give you everything I have to offer. So I choose to leave you, in hope that God will provide me with the opportunity to reach kids who I can share Jesus with in the future.

You've got this. You're so much stronger than you think. Thank you for teaching me more than I ever could teach you.

Until we meet again,

Maeve

Reflections on 23

As my birthday approaches, it's interesting to look back at the last year. I think, ironically, my birthday last year was a good indicator for the kind of year I was going to have. Last year, I rang my birthday in at O'Bleness with my 7th round of adult strep throat. It had completely knocked me out, and this was my second hospital visit in about four days. I was unable to keep fluids down so my only hope of hydration was an IV. Just a few days before this (right after my first hospital visit), our home had been broken into by a college aged male who had a bad trip and thought our home was his house.

For about a week after my birthday, I was completely bed-bound, only getting up to go to the bathroom. Although things seemed to simmer down for a while, these events did seem to set the tone for how a good bulk of my next year would feel.

I began to be plagued by anxiety. I do have a history of anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, but usually my anxiety was related to a specific factor and it would be intense yet short lived. This anxiety I experienced after my severe strep throat and the break-in was different. It was always there gnawing at me. It would only become intense if I was left alone in my home for too long, but nevertheless it was still there, morning, noon and night. This anxiety was usually most aroused when I feared that something would happen to my husband. If he was in a meeting at work where he wouldn't text me back for a couple hours, I would immediately jump to the conclusion that he was dead in a ditch.

In July we got a dog. This definitely lessened my anxiety. Having a little furry guy to cuddle at night when I was anxious, or play with immediately returning home from work made my days altogether better.

Also in July, my hair started falling out. I thought that it was due to work stress or perhaps my anxiety. My hair was falling out in BIG chunks. Like an entire hairbrush immediately after getting out of the shower. My thick mane of a pony tail was reduced by about a third in a matter of a couple weeks. After visits to both of my doctors in town, it was by my own research on google that I discovered that a side effect of a medication I was taking is hair loss.

Throughout this entire time, I was a social worker. In hindsight, everything is always so much clearer, and I think this work was slowly eating away at me. The thankless atmosphere of being a social worker although it grew me, left me feeling empty in a lot of other areas of my life.

Fast forward to fall semester at OU, and I'm still working as a social worker at this extremely tough job, and I decide to start helping out with Young Life College. This was the first time that my husband and I had not been on the same ministry team since we started leading Young Life at Federal Hocking together his freshmen year. This caused us to live very parallel lives, and this put a lot of stress on our time together.

Throughout this entire year, literally since about a week after my birthday last year, I had been going to see a Christian counselor. She and I together addressed my anxiety, depression, and relational issues. We talked about how I have definitely always struggled with not having control over things. A lot of the things that had happened over the last year were very evident that that is where a lot of my anxiety was resulting from. Lack of control, and fear of the unknown.

In January, just when I felt like I had this work flow thing figured out, one of my favorite people to work with told me she was leaving the agency. I had talked briefly with her about some of my frustrations and the possibility of leaving myself, but this was never anything serious. I never really knew how much of an impact she had on my time there until after she left. She was a very influential and powerful force that kept a lot of us positive in a very negative world. She encouraged me to do my job well and ethically, all the while looking after myself. On my most stressful days, she would take me to Mexican to help me process or take a break. I still had amazing friends at work after she left, but one less person added to the picture was very taxing on me.

At the end of February, I had a miscarriage. I had only known for about two weeks that I was pregnant, and the doctors said that it was most likely not going to develop into a full-fledged baby, so this was reassuring. Nonetheless, it was still very traumatic. My world seemed to stop for a few days. After I recovered from this, things finally felt like they were back to normal.

Then in April, my entire world was turned upside down. It doesn't feel appropriate to discuss the details in my blog, at least not yet. The point is, the things I cared most about were quickly made null and void. I had plans to leave my job mid-April, and the situation left me unable to work anymore. What I feared most, hadn't happened, it was actually in reality much worse than I could have even feared. The situation had ripped any sense of control I felt completely away.

Here's the crazy thing. I did not react the way I thought I would, at all. I thought this situation would destroy me, leave me completely undone, and ruin me. My friends, I was able to survive through the work of the Holy Spirit in my life.

Something incredible happened in me. I think it was because the thing that I cared about most in my life was ripped away from me, and I walked through to the other side. All control that I thought I had in my life was taken, but I was still a walking, breathing, speaking human.

I thought I would be plagued with anxiety and depression. Instead, I find myself dancing more often around the house, with my dog, to the oldies. I view people in a completely different way now. When before, I might meet someone and reject them a few minutes after meeting them, I now approach strangers as potential friends. I have met more of my neighbors in the past month and a half than I have the entire year and a half that I have lived in my house.

I have never believed more clearly that Jesus is so good. That his mercies are new every morning, and that he provides everything for us. He has completely changed me. I am not the person I was a month and a half ago when my world was turned upside-down. This didn't happen the way I expected it to happen, I didn't even know it needed to happen until it did.

This year, I am stepping into 24 with confidence and boldness, completely unafraid. This is how I know it's Jesus, folks: I've never been in a more "scary" or "uncertain" time in my life. But I've also never known more clearly the love of Jesus, or what he wants for us. I think he doesn't want us to try to figure it all out. I think he wants us to TRUST that He is good, and that he knows us fully. And walk with him every minute of every day.

I think this is the inexpressible and glorious joy that is referred to in the scriptures. It doesn't make sense! At all. But this is confirmation that the Holy Spirit lives, and he chooses extremely broken people like me to further His kingdom here on earth.

Clarity

Last night I was on Facebook way past my bedtime, and I stumbled across these pictures of toddlers crying when something didn't go their way. The pictures were captioned by their parents saying what was actually happening in the situation, such as "I told him he couldn't stick his fingers in the outlet". Or "he asked me to put peanut butter on his rice, and then I put peanut butter on his rice". These are ridiculous situations, and quite honestly, these pictures had me laughing out loud. 

But then something else struck me. These situations seemed so silly to me, because they were obviously dangerous or just straight up didn't make sense for these toddlers involved. But the toddlers just wanted the situation to go their own way, and didn't care about consequences. Sometimes, I think that quite honestly they were crying because they were just unhappy for no reason. 

I really, truly, am starting to believe that a lot of our lives look this way from the perspective of Heaven. We might think that we know what choices to make for our "best" day by day, but in reality we might not. The last few weeks have been very clarifying for me, and I have come to believe that we have such a limited view of what is actually going on in our own lives. 

Let me back up a little bit. I think that in times of tragedy, in times when our whole world is completely shaken, it reveals what we truly think about God. These times clarify for us, what kind of God we believe in. Ultimately, do we believe that He is good? That He created us for a good purpose? That we DO have a future and a hope? Or are we truly just wandering around this life without purpose, on a whim?

Then once we figure this out, what we actually think about God and His character, I think it changes our perspective. Recently, my world has been shaken. I have decided that God is good. I've never been more clear of that fact in my life. What kind of God makes us so sure of His love in our weakest times, when everything else seems so unclear? A good God. That's who. (Just so we're clear, I also believe that I couldn't have come to these conclusions by myself, that the Holy Spirit is clearly at work here) So what does all this mean? 

I think this means that if we land on the conclusion that God is good, we have to Trust, and not ask too many questions. We have to believe that even the complete crap we are treading through right now will ultimately bring about His BEST for us. Yes, we will have these tantrum moments, where Heaven probably wants to post pictures of us throwing fits. But we have to remember that there is SO much more going on than we will ever be able to understand until we are sitting in the throne room at God's feet worshipping Him. There, everything will be made known, and everything will be uncovered. 

"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:12. God FULLY knows us, just as he knows everything that will ever span time. I have never been so fully convinced in my life that God wants us to believe that, really, it isn't His best for us to stick our fingers into the outlets, so to speak. That even if we think we can see a few steps ahead of ourselves, ultimately, he is able to see infinitely more steps ahead than we can even imagine. And He is so good. He is so good. 

The Ins and Outs of Social Work in Appalachia…And the real answer to my least favorite question.

So a lot of you who know me well know what my face looks like when you ask me this question:

How was work today?

It seems like it should be simple answer, right? You either have a good day, or you have a bad day. Right?

Wrong. I know I’m not the only one who has a job like this, but I know that I definitely have a job that is one of a kind. What are some words I want to say when I answer this question?

Exhausted. If it’s a good day, I’m exhausted. It probably means that one of my “toughest” kids let me pick his brain a little bit more than usual, or one of my girls opened up and let me hear one of the secrets she thought I didn’t know for weeks. A good day means I worked my butt off, really engaging with kids and loving them with everything I have. A good day means I’ve had lots of good interactions with parents, made lots of phone calls, and still had time to chat with coworkers about ongoing cases, or (if I’m really lucky) got a little snippet about their personal life. Good days are great. But I’m still mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted.

If it’s a bad day, I’m also exhausted. A bad day usually means one of my foster kids went to live with her piece of $*&t mother again, even though we all know her mom hits her when she’s drunk. A bad day means I’ve called 12 parents, 10 of which who didn’t answer, two of which yelled at me and asked me why I haven’t fixed their kids yet. A bad day means that one of my kids told me they don’t want to be on the earth again, and I have to go to the hospital with them and sit there for hours, hoping that I can say something that makes them know how valuable they are. If it’s a bad day, when I’m at the office my door is closed (and sometimes locked). My interactions with my coworkers are short and usually pained.

When you ask me this question, that so many of you ask, I know you care. I know that some of you actually do. But I also know that some of you look at me hoping I won’t say any of this that’s written in this blog. You’re happy I’m doing my job cause then you know it’s being taken care of, and you don’t have to do it.

For those of you who care:

How do I even begin to verbalize the moments that I have with my kids that make me feel so much more connected to the human race, and to Jesus Himself? How do I even begin to tell you how closely I feel God when I am speaking truth into a kids’ life when they see no worth in it. Not in any teaching, or church service, or worship night, have I ever felt the Holy Spirit more clearly than when I’m with a kid telling them how truly valuable they are. How do I speak about the moments after these moments when I know I have to send them home to their same crappy home environment, when all I want to do is take them home with me to Athens?

How do I talk about the days when I want to throw parents out of my office because of the incredibly detrimental thing they just said to their child? Or discuss the weight that I carry as I walk to my car to drive home when I remember my kids’ words in the last session of the day: “you’re the only one who knows this about me”.

I’m just going to be incredibly honest and say that on MOST days, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. It is an internal battle that I fight every day when I get up in the morning to go to work. Why is my job so demanding of everything I have? Why don’t I just work at donkey? Or target? That wouldn’t take up so much of my emotional capacity.

The other day I was reading Matthew, and I came across the section about the narrow gate. “You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and the gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it.” (Matt 7:13-14).

So I’m praying and I’m like “Jesus, am I doing my life totally wrong? Do you want me and Jayk to live on a commune like in Irresistible Revoution? Do you want me to quit my job (fingers crossed) and become a missionary somewhere?”

And to be honest, when I sit down with Jesus and really think about it, I really think that my “narrow gate”  at least in this season, IS the work I do with kids. Jesus is speaking in this passage and he says the gateway to LIFE is very narrow and the road is difficult. What is life? I think life is to know God and be found in Him. And my job helps me do this better. In the midst of my craziest days, I feel like I know more about God, and feel more deeply connected to him at the end of the day.

So there you go, the real answer to the question I never really answer. It is more beautiful than I could ever explain, but also more dark and twisted than I ever want to verbalize.  But Jesus is so so good. And one thing I know for certain is that he loves the heck outta those kids. And he loves me a lot too for letting me be apart of them learning to love themselves.

You're allowed to be in crisis and in ministry at the same time.

You're allowed to be in crisis and in ministry at the same time. 

Recently, a lot of people have been coming to me thinking about stepping down from their ministry roles because of crazy things happening in their life. And I feel very passionately that I need to blog about this, because it's important. We need to clarify a few things:

1) A lot of these people who are expressing their concerns about being in ministry are in the 18-21 age range. Let's be honest here, a LOT of crap goes down in this time period. A lot of people are in college, or decide to not be in college anymore. And then if you stick with college, you have to choose classes that you could like or not like, which eventually change the trajectory of your college career, and then your life (or so it seems at the time). Life in this time period is stressful. Juggling a job, school, relationships, family and THEN throw ministry on top of that. I get it! It's tough. I feel like to NOT have at least a mini life crisis during this time period would be absolutely too easy. These times of crisis, although stressful and overwhelming at the time, they shape us and change us and force us to make decisions that we wouldn't otherwise have made if everything was just smooth sailing. 

2) Who ever said that someone in ministry had to be perfect? I TOTALLY understand the fact that Paul says in his letters to the early churches that leaders are called to a higher standard of life than everyone else. I understand that weeding the sin out of our lives is very important. I'm not making light of sin. But anyone who has read the Bible at ALL must know that perfect people simply don't exist. Moses didn't WANT to be used by God, and actually opposed him and asked not to be the man for the job. David was a hero, until he was a sleeze-bag and threw away his honor for a pretty woman! And he is STILL called a "man after God's heart". Peter denied Jesus three times, and Jesus told him that he would STILL build the church upon his shoulders. 

I have always been full of crap. But there was a particular time in my life that was completely sin-ridden. I decided to come clean to my Young Life area director about all of this, and just lay everything out on the table and tell him all my crap, and then I still told him that I felt called to lead high school ministry. He looked at me, and he LOVED ME. He told me that obviously the behaviors I was engaging in were inappropriate and if I wanted to continue to be a young life leader, I had to stop drinking and start being involved in community. But he gave me a chance. He gave me continued opportunity to keep loving kids, like God had called me to do. 

3) You usually are doing ministry with other people. So there are definitely certain settings where you are on your own. The workplace is one. The grocery store, another. But in a LOT of settings, you are not doing ministry by yourself. In Young Life, we call this our "team". Whatever you call it, you're WITH people loving other people, the way God designed it. There's a reason Jesus sent the disciples out two by two. Whoever you are doing ministry with fills your gaps, shares your struggles, and helps you not only with ministry, but with your own walk as well. We weren't made to walk alone! It's all OVER scripture.  If I had not been on a team in my dark time (even though it only consisted of two others at the time), I probably would have stopped leading young life LONG before my dark time hit. You are perfectly crafted by Jesus to fit with your team like a puzzle to be a complete unit for ministry, but ALSO to love one another as a complete unit. 

4) Ministry changes us. I can't remember who told me this, but I think it was Julie Davis. (If you don't know her, you should. She's amazing). During my hard time, when I wanted to wallow in self pity, and didn't have the strength to love people at all, she told me to do just that. LOVE people. To take the first step. THIS, regardless of whether or not it's in your official organized ministry, is itself ministry. After this hard time, I lost a lot of friends. It was the perfect opportunity to love on younger women in my young life community. They didn't know anything about me, so they couldn't judge me. I started loving on two women in particular who were freshmen at the time. My times with them their freshmen year are among my favorite memories of my senior year. SO MUCH fruit came out of that time, not only for them but also for me! I was pouring outwardly and it was totally transforming me. I was happier, healthier, and I wanted to love MORE. Jesus bubbled all the way out of me. And usually this came out of my eyeballs (those of you who know me well, know what I'm talking about). And aside from the example that I just used, the amount of joy I have experienced from loving high school kids is unparalleled. I can't even count how many "bad days" I was having, and all it took was riding to Fed Hock for dismissal to completely make my day. Ministry changes us. It is what we were made for, after all. We were created to fall in love with Jesus, and then tell others about Him. He made this enjoyable for a reason. 

4) Jesus can ALWAYS use us. At church last sunday, there was a lady who was interviewed who said "He turned my mess into His Message". I thought that was absolutely incredible, and also absolutely true. The time period that most radically changed by life was the same time that I was an absolute train wreck. I HAD to go through that to understand the actual Gospel of God. Life IS a mess. A lot of the time. But it's a miracle we can even make it at all here, because we weren't created to be here after all. We were created to be with God, in the flesh. Like the Garden. We have a lot of stress, and the world can be a really messed up place sometimes. Tragedy happens. Death happens. People hurt us. Life HURTS. It's not fun a lot of the time. But we have to remember, that God can transform any mess into something absolutely beautiful. It doesn't make sense how it works like that. But He is SO incredibly good to do that for His kids that he loves so much. So yes, Jesus can use us despite our mess, inside our mess, and most importantly, after our mess has had it's full effect. James 1:4 says let perseverance finish its work so that you may mature and complete not lacking in anything. The previous verses talk about when trouble comes! It's not a fluke. We grow in maturity during these times. We are becoming more like Jesus in these times, and in a sense, we are being perfected. We won't be actually perfect until we get to be with Jesus again. 

So that's all I have to say. Stay encouraged people. Jesus in working in you more than you know. Especially in the messes.  

Soul Healing

Recently, I have been reading a book called Soul Healing by Tammy Smith. It's a pretty popular book about examining past hurts in your life and taking responsibility for self pity we possess because of these, and instead asking God for healing. This aligns a lot with a series called "Twelve Steps: An Invitation to Wholeness" that my church has been working through. Not so surprisingly, I just recently saw "Inside Out", a movie that talks about how our "core memories" shape us, because we base our entire personalities off of our experiences. 

The whole time I've been reading Soul Healing, I've been praying for God to show me my earliest hurts. The author, Tammy Smith, encourages the reader to pray and ask God to reveal these "vats" as she calls them that weren't filled during childhood. The whole time she was discussing childhood wounds, either of commission or omission, I was struggling to see where these played into my life. My mother and father loved me very well throughout my childhood, and were both very present. They frequently told me how special I was, how proud they were of my accomplishments, and that they loved me. I believed them, I had no reason not to. 

My whole life prior to being a Christian, and even into my early-adulthood after I accepted Jesus into my heart, I had struggled with being boy crazy. I remember having crushes on boys in a really intense way, and into my early-adulthood, it manifested in my longing for a very intimate romantic relationship. I was praying over my childhood, hoping to find the "vat" that wasn't filled that lead to this boy-obsession that caused many of my hurts throughout my life. It wasn't until I gave up this escapade to dive into my childhood that I finally found the answer. 

Before I reveal the point of this post, I have to say how funny it is that my life so often coordinates to what I am teaching my kids in counseling. Recently, with all of my kids who deal with depression, I have been teaching them that their thoughts, beliefs, and actions are all connected. I tell them that their thoughts form their beliefs about themselves. These thoughts can be external from another source, or from their own minds. Our beliefs are what deeply shape us. They are our "core" so to speak. Then we act out of those beliefs. So, of course, in my reading of Soul Healing, my watching of Inside Out, and my quest through the Twelve Steps series, I began examining my core beliefs. 

I began working backwards. What am I most insecure about? Relationships. With who? Friends, and significant others. What do I most believe? That they don't want me. Why? Because they could find someone else who is better. Why? Because I am second best. 

This. Is what I had been searching for. 

I began to examine my life. Where did I learn this? Surely not from my parents. They both loved me so well. My friends throughout childhood valued me, told me I was good at things, and pursued my friendship like it was worth something. It had to have come from something else. And then it came to me. My first romantic relationship. 

It happened when I was a freshmen in high school. It was so classic it makes me want to throw up. But maybe that's why I loved it so much in the first place. He was an older guy, and I was a nobody freshmen girl. He asked me to homecoming, and then we started going out on dates. He was one of those disgustingly romantic guys, who loved going for ice cream, dancing in the rain, taking long walks, and watching chick flicks. 

It was good for a while, and I fell into something I thought was love really fast. We enjoyed each other's company, and everything looked great. Then it started getting really emotionally twisted. He started giving me these "notes" that were really more like really really long love letters. They were always super adorable, but also sad. They would talk about how he loved a lot of things about me, but he always made it sound like we couldn't actually be together. This confused me. If he loved all these things about me, why not just be together forever, happily ever after? The last letter he wrote me actually said the capital L word. He said, "I love you". And I believed him. I can still remember the wording of his last line. "I wish we could just sit under a tree somewhere, with your head on my chest. But the truth is, it's not that easy." No further explanation. That was it. 

Looking back, what the hell. Like for real? You were 16 years old. Who are you? Who says that? I digress. 

Two days after he wrote this letter, I opened up my Facebook page to find that he was in a relationship with another girl. Facebook official. She was his same age. Super adorable. They had pictures together everywhere. I was flabbergasted. What had happened? What was wrong with me? I was second best. 

To add insult to injury, a couple weeks later, when my 14 year old mind was still trying to comprehend what happened, I got on AIM chat. (What a wonderful thing of the past). This guy's good friend messaged me. It wasn't abnormal, he was dating one of my friends at the time, so we chatted occasionally. Very normal conversation, and then he brought up my failed relationship. I didn't really have anything to say, other than that I was confused. He decided to do me a favor and told me that it wasn't confusing at all. He said, "if you want me to be honest, you're not the prettiest girl in school." 

Great! Now I'm second best, and ugly. Awesome. Thanks guys. 

As much as I don't want to believe it, these two events so closely linked together, deeply shaped my life. A few weeks after that, I began struggling with an eating disorder. I would starve myself at school and barely eat breakfast. All on top of running 50 miles a week for cross country. Definitely unhealthy for a girl who is 5'7" to be 115 lbs. At the time, I had no idea where this came from. I knew it was wrong, but I knew I wanted to be skinny, and I HAD to be skinnier if I wanted boys to like me. I also started wearing make up. Because no guy was going to like my ginger lashes. 

The escapades I had with boys in high school were only the beginning. My relationship with Christ kept me from sleeping around, but it's very true to say I was emotionally sleeping around. I continued to give more and more of myself away to whoever looked in my direction. Tammy Smith in Soul Healing says that when a need of ours isn't filled, we continue to look for it, as if our soul says to us "hang in there! you're gonna find it eventually!" 

Even the healthy relationships that I had I sabotaged, because I was afraid for them to find out the truth about me, that I really am second best.

Needless to say, this belief propelled me into a series of unhealthy relationships in college, a few that sent me into a deep depression. I've blogged about this before, but seriously, I THANK JESUS for my depression. Because without it, I wouldn't have been able to deeply think beyond what the men in my life thought of me, and actually see what I thought of myself. I found that I didn't actually like myself. And this needed to change. Once I accepted that, my life got better. 

Jesus commands us to love our neighbor as ourself, and we can't love people very well if we don't love ourselves at all right? 

Even as I entered my senior year of college and began to love myself, I didn't realize I still held this belief that i am second best. 

Marriage is really hard, but one of the hardest things about my relationship with Jayk has been that he will love me no matter WHAT I do, no matter WHAT I say. And that I am his absolute FAVORITE person. I know him, so I believe it when he tells me that. But it almost hurts me because it rattles everything that I have believed for so long. But now it's time to start changing that. I'm not going to let myself believe that anymore. 

It says in Ephesians that Jesus intentioned us for good works before he even created the world. That's pretty intentional. He values us so much. Who am I to selfishly not accept this gift: to know that I am special. And in His eyes, I'm not second best? Here goes nothing, my plunge into deeper healing, deeper belief, and deeper love for self. Thank you Jesus for true soul healing. 

Sadness is easier because it's surrender

A quote from one of my favorite movies reads, "Sadness is easier because it's surrender." I would beg to differ. I am a social worker at a behavioral health clinic for kids ages 4-18, and I am working through several different "anger management" curriculums with a few of them. One thing that all of these curriculums touches on is that anger may be easier to feel than sadness. I always encourage my kiddos that even if anger feels better than sadness, it isn't always better in the long run. 

Like many things in my career as a counselor, this one comes back to bite me in the butt more often than I would like. I find myself angry about a lot of things, a lot of the time. This is something that I desperately need to work on. It doesn't feel healthy, and it doesn't feel good to my loved ones around me.  Here are a few examples:

I get angry because of stupid things my kiddos' parents do or don't do. Why did you encourage your son to smoke pot with you? When he's ten. Why didn't you recognize that you were an unfit parent when your daughter was feeding, dressing and getting herself on the bus by age 5? Why do you refuse to drive your son to the hospital after he tells me he almost killed himself the night before? 

In all of these, my anger motivates me to action. It makes me feel powerful, in control, and like superwoman. I put my super social worker pants on and make a difference. But really, at the root of this anger is sadness. My heart breaks for this world, that children these days have to face those challenges and some don't know the unconditional love of even one parent.

I get angry because I feel like the people put in the social services to help these children don't care as much as I do. Why would you allow unsupervised visits for a child whose father is suspected of sexual abuse? Why would you not help that family get a no-contact order? Why would you not remove the child from his home who shows up with bruises on his neck 3-4 times per week? 

Again, the anger I feel in this situation puts me on the offensive. Because if I feel what I actually feel, deep sadness, I start to feel hopeless, and unable to help. 


I get angry when people who claim the name of Jesus treat their brothers and sisters in Jesus like dirt. Why the heck did Jesus tell us that people would see Him in us because of how we love each other if all we do is talk about each other behind closed doors? Why do we act like complete fools who have never experienced His grace and have no grace to give others when we claim to know the truth? I'm speaking about myself here as well. 

These things make me angry, because anger is an "offensive emotion" as I tell my kiddos. I have been more deeply wounded by Christian women than any other humans in the world. And these are women who "know" the truth. I have watched friend after friend get wounded in Christian community. Why does this happen? It is much easier to feel an "offensive emotion" than a defensive emotion like depression or sadness, that is my true response to these happenings. 

I get angry when a college aged male looks at me the wrong way. I'm married! Can't you see my rings? Stay the hell away from me you drunken-good-for-nothing frat star. 

This too, is sadness. Sadness that so many men and women think that being on a college campus is all about finding who to sleep with that night after going to the bars. Sadness that I actually fear these men I get so angry with. Sadness that I can't just "be normal" and enjoy a night out with my husband and our friends without having these anxieties. 

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I have learned quite a few things from these experiences and from watching how harmful my anger in these situations can be. Because I know that anger can be "righteous emotions", like when Jesus turned tables in the temple. But as it says in James, "Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires." And I can feel that filth in my life from the effects of my anger. It feels like a disease that only continues to grow bitterness deep in my heart. 

Here's what I have learned:

I can still be a feisty social worker who is put to action when things are not right in the world without getting angry. 

Everyone who is reading this knows me. I'm a fiery redhead who usually doesn't take people's crap. Jesus has given me a gift of being an advocate for those without a voice, and to do it well and proclaim truth boldly (and sometimes loudly). This is a gift, given to me by Jesus. Satan likes to twist the gifts God gives us, and creates bitterness in my heart from these situations I deal with in my line of work. I am going to learn how to boldly advocate, feel the sadness, and give the rest to Jesus. 

Let me clarify on this "feel the sadness". I am going to let myself feel things, even if it's hard. Give it to Jesus, and WORSHIP, knowing that Jesus has given me incredible capacity for empathy of others. And also know that I am not alone in my yearning for the world to be made right again. It says in scripture that the very trees cry out for the world to know the Lord!

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

If I don't have hope that I can continue to love people in community when they don't love me or others well, then what good am I? Paul tells us in Corinthians that Love never stops trying! It doesn't say "to hell with community". It is always hopeful, and it endures. KEEP ON loving one another as brothers. We are all broken brothers and sisters in Jesus. Jesus didn't give up on us, we can't give up on one another. 

Perfect Love expels all fear. 

I just ended my 4 and a half years of high school ministry (it was a blast).  Now I am going to embark on a new journey of entering college ministry. I'm not really sure what this is going to look like yet. But one thing is for certain, even if I'm not going to be directly ministering to them, college aged males exist. And this is now part of my direct ministry field. (Why I didn't see it this way before, no clue). Yes, I have had bad experiences with college aged males in the past. No, I will let that stop me from showing them the light and love of Jesus. Whether this is a guy who tries to talk to me while closing my tab at Jackie O's, or a guy who is throwing a frisbee on my street, I am the walking light and love of Jesus inside me to them.

True healing comes from Jesus alone

I can't expect any other source to heal me from these wounds and bitterness. No other Refuge have I but thee, Jesus. Get rid of this anger and filth inside of me, let me trust in your perfect love. And proceed. 

My favorite part of the second half of the quote I mentioned at the beginning, is "Sadness is easier because it's surrender. Make time to dance alone with one hand waving free." And even if I've just disproved the first, everyone needs more of the second.  Peace out girl scouts.