As my birthday approaches, it's interesting to look back at the last year. I think, ironically, my birthday last year was a good indicator for the kind of year I was going to have. Last year, I rang my birthday in at O'Bleness with my 7th round of adult strep throat. It had completely knocked me out, and this was my second hospital visit in about four days. I was unable to keep fluids down so my only hope of hydration was an IV. Just a few days before this (right after my first hospital visit), our home had been broken into by a college aged male who had a bad trip and thought our home was his house.
For about a week after my birthday, I was completely bed-bound, only getting up to go to the bathroom. Although things seemed to simmer down for a while, these events did seem to set the tone for how a good bulk of my next year would feel.
I began to be plagued by anxiety. I do have a history of anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, but usually my anxiety was related to a specific factor and it would be intense yet short lived. This anxiety I experienced after my severe strep throat and the break-in was different. It was always there gnawing at me. It would only become intense if I was left alone in my home for too long, but nevertheless it was still there, morning, noon and night. This anxiety was usually most aroused when I feared that something would happen to my husband. If he was in a meeting at work where he wouldn't text me back for a couple hours, I would immediately jump to the conclusion that he was dead in a ditch.
In July we got a dog. This definitely lessened my anxiety. Having a little furry guy to cuddle at night when I was anxious, or play with immediately returning home from work made my days altogether better.
Also in July, my hair started falling out. I thought that it was due to work stress or perhaps my anxiety. My hair was falling out in BIG chunks. Like an entire hairbrush immediately after getting out of the shower. My thick mane of a pony tail was reduced by about a third in a matter of a couple weeks. After visits to both of my doctors in town, it was by my own research on google that I discovered that a side effect of a medication I was taking is hair loss.
Throughout this entire time, I was a social worker. In hindsight, everything is always so much clearer, and I think this work was slowly eating away at me. The thankless atmosphere of being a social worker although it grew me, left me feeling empty in a lot of other areas of my life.
Fast forward to fall semester at OU, and I'm still working as a social worker at this extremely tough job, and I decide to start helping out with Young Life College. This was the first time that my husband and I had not been on the same ministry team since we started leading Young Life at Federal Hocking together his freshmen year. This caused us to live very parallel lives, and this put a lot of stress on our time together.
Throughout this entire year, literally since about a week after my birthday last year, I had been going to see a Christian counselor. She and I together addressed my anxiety, depression, and relational issues. We talked about how I have definitely always struggled with not having control over things. A lot of the things that had happened over the last year were very evident that that is where a lot of my anxiety was resulting from. Lack of control, and fear of the unknown.
In January, just when I felt like I had this work flow thing figured out, one of my favorite people to work with told me she was leaving the agency. I had talked briefly with her about some of my frustrations and the possibility of leaving myself, but this was never anything serious. I never really knew how much of an impact she had on my time there until after she left. She was a very influential and powerful force that kept a lot of us positive in a very negative world. She encouraged me to do my job well and ethically, all the while looking after myself. On my most stressful days, she would take me to Mexican to help me process or take a break. I still had amazing friends at work after she left, but one less person added to the picture was very taxing on me.
At the end of February, I had a miscarriage. I had only known for about two weeks that I was pregnant, and the doctors said that it was most likely not going to develop into a full-fledged baby, so this was reassuring. Nonetheless, it was still very traumatic. My world seemed to stop for a few days. After I recovered from this, things finally felt like they were back to normal.
Then in April, my entire world was turned upside down. It doesn't feel appropriate to discuss the details in my blog, at least not yet. The point is, the things I cared most about were quickly made null and void. I had plans to leave my job mid-April, and the situation left me unable to work anymore. What I feared most, hadn't happened, it was actually in reality much worse than I could have even feared. The situation had ripped any sense of control I felt completely away.
Here's the crazy thing. I did not react the way I thought I would, at all. I thought this situation would destroy me, leave me completely undone, and ruin me. My friends, I was able to survive through the work of the Holy Spirit in my life.
Something incredible happened in me. I think it was because the thing that I cared about most in my life was ripped away from me, and I walked through to the other side. All control that I thought I had in my life was taken, but I was still a walking, breathing, speaking human.
I thought I would be plagued with anxiety and depression. Instead, I find myself dancing more often around the house, with my dog, to the oldies. I view people in a completely different way now. When before, I might meet someone and reject them a few minutes after meeting them, I now approach strangers as potential friends. I have met more of my neighbors in the past month and a half than I have the entire year and a half that I have lived in my house.
I have never believed more clearly that Jesus is so good. That his mercies are new every morning, and that he provides everything for us. He has completely changed me. I am not the person I was a month and a half ago when my world was turned upside-down. This didn't happen the way I expected it to happen, I didn't even know it needed to happen until it did.
This year, I am stepping into 24 with confidence and boldness, completely unafraid. This is how I know it's Jesus, folks: I've never been in a more "scary" or "uncertain" time in my life. But I've also never known more clearly the love of Jesus, or what he wants for us. I think he doesn't want us to try to figure it all out. I think he wants us to TRUST that He is good, and that he knows us fully. And walk with him every minute of every day.
I think this is the inexpressible and glorious joy that is referred to in the scriptures. It doesn't make sense! At all. But this is confirmation that the Holy Spirit lives, and he chooses extremely broken people like me to further His kingdom here on earth.
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