"Hope Does Not Disappoint Us"

So it's definitely been a while. I literally haven't written a blog post since 2011. It occurred to me today at church that I have become a much more private person than I was previously. I used to like talking to people before and after the service, even people I didn't know. And that has very much changed. I usually hide from people I know, and especially people I know, but don't know well. I hate chit-chat, and I'm really awkward in those kind of social situations. Anyways, at the same time it occurred to me today that I have become a much more private person than I used to be, it also occurred to me that this is not good. Part of me started believing that I was less important than I used to be (partly true, growing in humility). Part of me starting believing I had less to offer the world. That part is completely false, and I know that now. 

I'm going to try to start blogging more regularly, in attempts to become less of a private person. To realize that I am really not that important, but also that I do have a lot to offer. I don't have a lot to offer by myself, but I believe that because Jesus lives in me, I do have something to offer the world. He says in the Bible that I am beautifully and wonderfully created, and He reminds me time and time again that He is doing HUGE works in me. So why the heck wouldn't I write some of these things in a blog for the whole interwebs to see?

So today, I just finished a book called, "My Name is Hope." I highly recommend it to anyone who has ever battled depression, anxiety, or hopelessness. (So basically, anyone, ever). It is so real. I love it. It's by a pastor named John Mark Comer who lives in Portland, Oregon, one of the most "depressed" cities in America. I started reading this book last year when I was really battling depression. I had come to face a lot of hard things, but one of the hardest was a lot of friends of mine, who also have a relationship with Jesus, who told me that my depression wasn't real. "Just pray about it." "Jesus will bring you joy." "We are all sad because of our sin". Yeah okay, thanks. I get it. No one except a select few acknowledged how deep my pain was. I love this book, "My Name is Hope" because the author not only acknowledges how real depression can be (yes, even in the life of people who love and have a relationship with Jesus), but he also uses scripture to show how much Jesus desires to speak into the lives of people who battle depression and anxiety. 

I will most likely write more about that whole journey later, but for tonight, I want to focus on something that John Mark brought up near the end of the book. He says that "Godliness is long obedience in the same direction. Godliness is praying, working, asking, seeking, knocking, and fighting for joy, day-in and day-out, for years, without wavering." 

This resonated with me so much. Because I keep waiting to "arrive". Like, "aye, I'm graduated from college. #win." "Engaged! Someone loves me, life is perfect." (Just as a side note, engagement was NOT perfect. Dating and marriage are way better in my opinion). Or "okay, I'm married now. I can sit back and enjoy my life." 

I just got married about 3 weeks ago, and I can tell you, I'm really far from "arriving". Each time I hit one of these milestones, I am reminded more and more that what John Mark is saying is true: "Godliness is long obedience in the same direction." We keep living day after day. Trying to love people, and trying to love God. It feels very much the same with my battle with depression. Every time I go through a really bad spell of it, I learn a LOT more about myself, and especially important, I learn a LOT more about Jesus. Long obedience in the same direction. I have to continue to apply what I know about myself, my depression, and Jesus to continue to fight for joy each day. In the everyday. 

Not that I'm particularly suffering now or anything. These first 3 weeks of marriage have touched my heart in ways I did not even think possible. But I have had days of depression. And it scares me a little. Tonight as I was finishing that book, I came across a verse John Mark references. It's this: "...But we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Sprit who has been given to us." Romans 3:3-5. 

To me that means the more we suffer, the more we learn this long obedience thing in the midst of our suffering. This produces character. It makes us learn more about ourselves, grow in wisdom, and understand God more. And once we have more of this character, we increase in hope. This hope isn't shameful, (in some versions it says 'Hope does not disappoint us') because God has POURED OUT his love into our hearts. We don't have to "find happiness" or "just be happy" on our own. God has poured out his love into our hearts. He knows we need it. We will never be put to shame. 

I can have Hope that Jesus will use my depression so that I can understand the high school students that I work with as they battle their own anxieties. I can have Hope that in the very darkest day of my depression, or even in the very normal day to day, Jesus is the only thing that brings true joy to my life. I can have Hope that one day, all of the people I pray for will know this same joy that I have in my relationship with Jesus. 

These hopes aren't stupid. They have promise. And it's God's love in our hearts.