To a lot of people, my day probably looked very normal. My husband Jayk and I were in Columbus to visit my parents and watch OSU stomp all over Alabama. This afternoon we met two friends for lunch.
This wasn't just any meeting, although to everyone else at the Rusty Bucket it probably looked like it. But it was a celebration. It was a celebration of life and how HUGE Jesus Christ is. A celebration of how wonderful a Redeemer our God is, and how he is strong enough to redeem even the most hopeless of situations. And relationships.
This meeting was the first time I have had quality time with one of my best friends in 20 months. It hadn't even seemed that long, but in other ways, it's felt much longer than that. A lot of life happened for us both, a lot of life that we missed of each other.
20 months ago, my life quickly turned into a bit of a mess. A bit is such an understatement. It was the summer before my senior year of college, and for some reason, my life just wasn't cutting it for me anymore. Looking back, I was so blessed. I had 4 incredible roommates who loved me dearly, a great young life team who supported me throughout anything, and a community of other followers of Jesus who would have dropped anything to help me out. For some reason, I didn't want that. My life didn't feel full enough. I thought that I could squeeze something else in to this life I had.
I had a brush of a relationship with someone who did not have the same values as I did, or really have much in common with me at all. I threw a lot of my heart into that relationship too quickly, and when it ended, that was the beginning of my crumbling process. I knew that I was depressed, but I didn't want to admit it. I looked for the "next fun thing" to do every day after I got off work. I threw my life into drinking and having a good time. Physically and emotionally, I knew I was giving myself away to the world and wasting the good parts of myself on nothingness. My relationships with my roommates, who were my best friends at the time, dwindled. They tried to tell me that I was not being kind to myself. I did not want to listen.
I continued to make horrible decisions, to run away from my deep sadness that continued to linger, and it felt like my real friends were growing fewer and fewer. Almost all of the roommates I considered best friends asked for space from me that summer. Of everything, the biggest thing I regret was treating them like total crap while they were trying to love me while I was in the depth of my struggles. I made them the enemy, and I was too prideful to admit I truly needed their help.
After four long, long months of making horrible mistakes, getting mono, working 13 hour days at one of my least favorite jobs on earth, and receiving a real diagnosis of clinical depression, and lots of counseling, I realized what I had actually lost. I began to seek counsel from older, wiser people about how to regain these friendships. I was encouraged by a few to reach out. It was really scary, I definitely felt like a puppy with its tail between its legs sending those texts and asking them to meet up. After being rejected and told that they no longer desired close friendship with me, I thought my world was going to end all over again.
Luckily, my young life team at the time was just me and two other incredible men (one of whom I married a little less than a month ago :) ). They encouraged me to really dig deep into my relationship with Jesus, to seek Him for how to rebuild my life after all of that crazy messiness. The three months that began my senior year of college were probably the hardest but the most wonderful months of my life so far. I got to explore what had happened, and who I wanted to be without those women in my life. I figured out who I actually was, apart from a group of friends. I figured out how to own my depression as a part of myself, but also not to let it define me. Looking back, I know these months were critical. But they were hard.
The hardest parts were watching these girls' lives from afar when I was not in them. Two of them were engaged, and I always thought this would be a fun process we would get to experience together. I did a lot of healing through the bulk of my senior year. In the winter, I started a relationship with Jayk, and then in July we got engaged. This began a lot more thought about these women who were once in my life because I always thought that they would be a part of that time in my life as well.
In the early fall, one of these women was at church. After the service, she approached me and gave me a card. I was very surprised, but all of my interactions with this woman after our agreement to not remain close had been pleasant, so I wasn't fearful. I was just very confused. Could this be a gesture of re-kindling friendship? It took me a couple months to actually process this. A few months later, I wrote her a letter. I spilled my heart. I cried the entire time I wrote it, and when I sent it, I expected no response.
Two weeks later, she texted me and said that she loved my letter. Periodically, we began talking more and more. I opened myself to friendship again. Life was crazy this fall up until my wedding, but we talked periodically and then she initiated seeing me and my husband.
These are the friends we met for lunch today. It may have looked like a normal meeting to some. To me, it was a celebration. Jesus can redeem anything. Period. No matter how messy, no matter how hopeless. That IS the Gospel. When we were still in the midst of our sin, the deepest darkest places of our lives, Jesus STILL wanted to die for us. So things in our life are worth a shot at redemption. And for me, this newly again found friendship is another reminder of how truly AMAZING our God is. He gives us second chances. And thirds, and fourths too. I know me and this friend still have a long way to go to rebuild what we didn't have for the past 20 months. But I am SO excited to have a new beginning.
Isaiah 63:9 says, "In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them. In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old."
In our distress, he too is distressed. He CARES deeply about our pain and struggles. And he WILL redeem us. Sometimes, we are blessed enough to see it on earth, like I did in this situation. Some of it, I know, will have to wait for until we are with Jesus in heaven.
God is good. And today is an incredible day.
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