So I just went to the Thesaurus tab and searched "Tragedy" because I felt like that was too strong of a word choice. Then I looked it up in the dictionary, and it said Tragedy is: an event causing great suffering, destruction, and distress. I feel like that's a pretty accurate way to sum up my summer of 2013. I don't want to get into the hairy details, but it was rough. I've talked about it a little bit in past blogs. I lost some good friendships, had everything I believe tested, plummeted into the deepest depression I've ever known, and yet, I still survived.
So life after tragedy...what exactly is this supposed to look like? My last two blogs recalled some beautiful things that have come out of this tragedy. Because Jesus is HUGE and he does stuff like that. My marriage to Jayk is in fact one of the biggest reminders that good things did come from that summer. I appreciate these blessings and reminders every single day. But what happens after that? What happens when my entire view of the world has changed?
I used to believe that people were good. Almost in a very naive way. I liked it WAY better that way. My freshmen year of college, I made friends with everyone. A stranger walking down the street, the homeless man who hung out by Union Street Diner, the people in my classes. Now when I see a guy walking on the street, I hold my purse a little closer. I see a homeless person and think "they're probably homeless because of their addiction". I don't take classes anymore, but I'm sure I wouldn't make friends in them if I were still enrolled at OU.
Somewhere along the way, in the midst of this tragedy, I became very very hardened to the world. Believe me, I'm not putting it lightly when I say I've been royally screwed by people in my life. But I also play the victim now more than ever. And I don't think that's okay. People are not always out to get me, as I may often think. I think in a way I think that by judging people, putting labels on them, and being very hostile towards them that I am protecting myself from the harm they COULD inflict. How am I ever going to grow or change or learn new and beautiful things about the world if I don't let anyone else in?
This is REALLY scary to say. But I think the solution that I've gathered is that I need to invite people to hurt me. That sounds really messed up, and before you jump all over my crap up in here, let me explain. If we are called to a faith that tells us that Jesus willingly took on scorn and shame that we deserved, and then died. And then that he defeated death itself. And now that that Spirit lives inside me. Doesn't that mean that we are given incredible strength? I would venture to say that this strength can help us overcome any trial, even when we are deeply wounded by people who we think love us.
Last night I heard a speaker that talked about agape love. The BIG kind. The God sized kind. He defined it as "love that has no restrictions and no requirements". That's so stinking cool. The easiest way I can identify this is with my husband and with my high school girls that I know through Young Life. I receive this kind of my love from my husband every day. I feel it most in the moments when I fail to do something, or I do something really messed up, and he loves me SO MUCH in the midst of all of that. Completely undeserved, but completely big and powerful, and awesome at the same time. And I feel this for my high school girls. I don't love them any less because they had too much homework so they couldn't come to campaigners or club. If they cancel plans on me, I brush it off easily, knowing that I still love them, and I take it in as something that happens because I'm in ministry with them.
Isn't the whole world our mission field? When do we stop trying to show the love of Jesus to people? I would hopefully think never. But so much of my love has become conditional. I ask myself the question: Does this person have the potential to hurt me? And if the answer is no, then I let them into my life and I allow myself to form a close connection with them. If the answer even looks like it could be yes, I push people away. I make jokes, I make judgements, I am hostile and hard.
I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to find the joy that comes after the tragedy. I want to let people in. Because by not doing that, yes, I am missing some heart ache. But I think I am also missing out on new experiences, and beautiful opportunities to share life with people.
I just downloaded the new All Sons and Daughters Album, and there's a song on it called "More than Anything". It goes like this:
What can compare to the love of Jesus?
Who can repair every broken thing?
No other one can break this darkness.
No other name, no other name.
I need You, more than anything.
I need You, more than anything.
This is going to be my prayer for these next few weeks as I actively try to let my view of the world be changed. People CAN be good. I need to give them an opportunity to be in my life. And Jesus, I need You, more than anything.
No comments:
Post a Comment